For kicks

I feel like writing something today, but i don't know what...

So to start out -im going to put a clip up of some of my fav musicians, -10 out of Tenn-  who are coming to CO in April. Its a few artists from Tennessee traveling together and singing each others songs. I want to be a part of their group... if only i knew how to play an instrument or sing....*dreams*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1kwy-7z6VY

Tyler James - my dream man.

I feel like i have so many little things flying around in my head, sending butterflies into my stomach, and scattering my thoughts out like a kaleidascope - just fragments of emotions and frustrations and interests and dreams and goals. And yet, i feel so... helpless with them all. 

Im told if you write down your goals, they'll be more likely to happen.

But i can't tell you how many journals are filled with pages of goals and dreams and lists of pros and cons. And at the end of everyday i wonder what im doing with my life... 

Yea, i am loving being here in Colorado, and getting to wake up late and not have a job to really go to.  I love this "gap" year, and for the rest of my life, i won't regret taking it... but what really gets under my skin is that i can't FULLY enjoy it, because im so worried about what im going to do next. .. about wasting time, and about not being fully independent. It bothers me. 

Mostly, im bothered that my decisions don't make me fully happy. I want independence, but im sad because im alone. 

I want to take a year off, but im worried about wasting time.

I want to do something different, move states, but i've been here for 5 months and am still "nannying", with no prospects of a "real" job. 

I don't know if i should stay or move and if i move, will i be happy? and will i be able to live on my own, or will i be stuck living in the room down the hall from my parents? (love the rents, but im getting a little old for that... if you know what i mean..)

I don't aspire to be some great scientist or doctor or a nobel peace prize winner. I just want peace in my own heart, with my own life. And most of all, i want to share it with someone. I realized that being alone is lonely. Sounds obvious, right? Well, its a whole nother reality when you actually live it and find out. But not to put a damper on things - cause a lot of me IS happy. I just feel like my life is in fragments right now, and im just ready for a piece or two to link up and give me some direction and motivation. 

Its not that i expect all of life to come together in perfect unison and for all the stars to align and my life be complete. Thats something I will always be striving for, and what makes life interesting. I would be bored if it was all together. But im just asking God for ONE or TWO things to work out in a certain direction. 

Anywho - enough of the pity party - its upward and onward!! And lots of good music to listen to while i continue my quest!! 

Peace